Help! My boyfriend hates lolita!!
It's not a rare thing to see girls exclaiming this over the internet. Their boyfriend is sweet, funny, and kind, but he absolutely hates lolita! He won't look at it, talk to her about it, or even be around her when she wears it in private, and he can think of no greater embarrassment than being seen in public with her dressed "like that." Besides that, he's perfect! He shares her interests, he tells her she's beautiful, and they get along great with each other's friends and family. So, what does she do?
It's always important to remember that someone may have different interests than you, and that you don't always have to be perfectly alike for a relationship to work. And, if he's a perfect guy except for this one little thing, isn't it worth it to sacrifice? I mean, isn't that what relationships are ABOUT?
Well... yes and no. Granted, no two people will ever be exactly alike (and being TOO similar is a sign of catastrophe - imagine having to share your mirror while doing your make-up with your boyfriend who's straightening his hair!), and love is all about compromise. However, love is also about knowing when to say no and when something is too important to you to give up. If lolita is just clothes to you, this may be no big deal; just wear them when you're going out with your friends, or on days you're not going to see him. It would probably be fine with you, so if you just don't expose him to it, you'll probably have a long, happy relationship.
But for those lifestyle ladies, a warning bell should be going off. Here's why: if lolita is something that deeply affects your life and your boyfriend (or girlfriend, or husband, or partner, or...) think it's stupid, he thinks your lifestyle is stupid. If he doesn't like lolita, he doesn't like you. There's no other way I can say it. For girls whose life is not greatly impacted by their clothing choices, this could be entirely untrue, but for those of us with whom lolita is an intrinsic part of our mindset and lifestyle, this isn't the case.
It's like, my boyfriend is a musician; it's an inseparable part of his life that profoundly affects him. A lover asking you to stop wearing lolita would be like me asking him to stop playing guitar. It would rob him of something so him that he would be a completely different person than the man I fell in love with. Sure, maybe he'd pay more attention to me, or maybe he wouldn't spend money on things I may think are frivolous (for the record, I don't think they are!) but then he wouldn't have that important part of his personality. And if that were the case, if I wanted someone else, I would break up with him and get someone else - and that's the advice I give any man who likes his lolita-wearer but hates her clothes/lifestyle. Of course, talk to her about it to see if it's something she wouldn't mind doing without every so often, but if it's something that is deeply meaningful to her, I can tell you right now, either nut up &break up with her or shut up &accept it because it's not going to be a healthy relationship if otherwise.
And if your boyfriend thinks lolita is stupid, explain to him about the subtleties of the fashion and how is affects you. Does it make you feel like a princess? Tell him. Try to explain the utter joy you feel when you put together a perfect coordinate, or when you figure out the perfect way to do that hairstyle you saw in Alice Deco, or when your heart races with inspiration while looking at daily_lolita. If you do everything you can to explain why you love the fashion and the lifestyle and he still just can't handle it, trust me, you're better off without him.
It's always important to remember that someone may have different interests than you, and that you don't always have to be perfectly alike for a relationship to work. And, if he's a perfect guy except for this one little thing, isn't it worth it to sacrifice? I mean, isn't that what relationships are ABOUT?
Well... yes and no. Granted, no two people will ever be exactly alike (and being TOO similar is a sign of catastrophe - imagine having to share your mirror while doing your make-up with your boyfriend who's straightening his hair!), and love is all about compromise. However, love is also about knowing when to say no and when something is too important to you to give up. If lolita is just clothes to you, this may be no big deal; just wear them when you're going out with your friends, or on days you're not going to see him. It would probably be fine with you, so if you just don't expose him to it, you'll probably have a long, happy relationship.
But for those lifestyle ladies, a warning bell should be going off. Here's why: if lolita is something that deeply affects your life and your boyfriend (or girlfriend, or husband, or partner, or...) think it's stupid, he thinks your lifestyle is stupid. If he doesn't like lolita, he doesn't like you. There's no other way I can say it. For girls whose life is not greatly impacted by their clothing choices, this could be entirely untrue, but for those of us with whom lolita is an intrinsic part of our mindset and lifestyle, this isn't the case.
It's like, my boyfriend is a musician; it's an inseparable part of his life that profoundly affects him. A lover asking you to stop wearing lolita would be like me asking him to stop playing guitar. It would rob him of something so him that he would be a completely different person than the man I fell in love with. Sure, maybe he'd pay more attention to me, or maybe he wouldn't spend money on things I may think are frivolous (for the record, I don't think they are!) but then he wouldn't have that important part of his personality. And if that were the case, if I wanted someone else, I would break up with him and get someone else - and that's the advice I give any man who likes his lolita-wearer but hates her clothes/lifestyle. Of course, talk to her about it to see if it's something she wouldn't mind doing without every so often, but if it's something that is deeply meaningful to her, I can tell you right now, either nut up &break up with her or shut up &accept it because it's not going to be a healthy relationship if otherwise.
And if your boyfriend thinks lolita is stupid, explain to him about the subtleties of the fashion and how is affects you. Does it make you feel like a princess? Tell him. Try to explain the utter joy you feel when you put together a perfect coordinate, or when you figure out the perfect way to do that hairstyle you saw in Alice Deco, or when your heart races with inspiration while looking at daily_lolita. If you do everything you can to explain why you love the fashion and the lifestyle and he still just can't handle it, trust me, you're better off without him.
Haha! "Brideshead Revisited"! I love that novel!
ReplyDeleteI can't stand it when I see young teenage girls posting about how their new boyfriends won't let them wear Lolita and how they just don't know what to do. It's so sad to me. I can't understand why any girl would let some newcomer tell her to change herself for him, just because he's a man... well, then again, I suppose I'm one of those stubborn Tauruses!
But still. You're so right, it's saying out loud that he dislikes something about the girl. I think that any dedicated lover of the fashion will love it simply because it spoke to something inside them. Even the least lifestyle-y Lolita will have at least a little of the subculture bound up in her heart. Nobody should force themselves to give up something that makes them *themselves*.
I have to say if a guy dosnt like lolita clothing then he dosnt like you because for even none lifestyle lolitas its still a part of who they are. This is a good article.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what I would do if Patrick didn't support my Lolita lifestyle. I don't think it would work. :/
ReplyDeleteI wish more girls had the confidence to accept that their boyfriend may not be for them if they constantly have to compromise.
Well said. Honestly, John's RPG mininatures drive me nuts. They are all over the house and he's spent a ton of money collecting them. But that's he's hobby. That's what he loves. I may not like it, but he does. It's important to him so, in turn, it's important to me that he has it. Like you said, it's a compromise. I love my husband no matter if I am personally not involved in every single one of his hobbies... even when said hobbies come crashing down in plastic boxes on me at 3am in the morning (this happened twice!).
ReplyDelete