My first semester of college, in fall 2009, marked my first time living in a dorm. Despite that semester being one of my most difficult times emotionally, I probably had more fun in that room and love for it than any I've ever experienced (having an amazing roommate helped). I had really jumped on the idea of the "lolita dorm room" that semester, too- Kamikaze Girls poster, floral quilt, cupcake bedsheets. Then, after that, the annoyance of moving so many things in and out so often meant that some things got left behind, priorities were changed, and some things just didn't seem as important at the moment- like decorating a room I was only in two or three days a week because of my work schedule. Having a roommate I didn't know well last semester who kept her walls completely barren made me feel a little awkward about decorating my own space, as well, so I spent those months with only a few art prints and a decorated white board on my walls.

This was, apparently, entirely unacceptable, though. My next-door neighbors are almost like two more roommates, with how much time I spent with them this past fall, and when it came time to move out again in December, I took it very seriously when they told me we had to talk. Lily, one of the sweetest girls I've ever met, said to me, "Aly, we really need to talk to you.... about your room. You need to get some posters or pictures or something, because it's so sad to be in there. It looks like a jail cell." It was certainly an intervention, and part of me felt even more ashamed for leaving my lolita self at home in my closet, instead of embracing it like I had the year before.

So, here's how I'm changing that! These are some pictures of the little vanity I set up for myself on my dresser.

My dresser, with my two new posters: The map of Manhattan was on sale at Ikea (normally I wouldn't go with something so drably-colored), and the "SMILE" one I made myself. Since I knew going into it that this semester would be a struggle, I made myself this cute reminder to "SMILE: you can do this," including everything I have to smile about (lolita, friends, Amaranth Opulent). That white box to the left is where I keep my AO jewelry.

 Make-up, face wipes, blue toile ribbon board (thrifted for $2!), jewelry, and a framed BABY postcard (which you might recognize from here)

 BABY postcard, shimmer lotion from Victoria's Secret, and jewelry (that pink one is actually an AO piece that I still haven't gotten around to photographing and posting! I love it so much that I want to make sure the product pictures are perfect)

My planner from Kinokuniya snuck into this pic because it matched so well! It also has a map of the Tokyo subway system in the back- hello, indispensable! Also showing off my baroque-print accessory box and read heart-shaped mirror from Ikea.

And here are two quick shots of my desktop:

 Here I have my Target princess lamp, a silhouette I made of myself, a very sweet birthday card from my friend Martha, a framed quote ("When it hurts too much, take solace in the fact that not only did you survive-- you thrived," my life motto for a while), and the gorgeous vintage business card holder my bought me. You can also see the rings that were included in my birthday gift from Martha, and a sketch of another silhouette for a project in the works. On the wall you can also just see the corner of my Amaranth Opulent poster (yes, I got a poster printed up. I'm such a dweeb!)

Close-up:

These are just a few snaps- I took more, but for some reason my camera and computer were in a bit of a tiff and refused to upload the rest. Consider this a teaser-post for the article I'll eventually write about dorm life for the lolita!


ALSO! Heads up, anyone in CT or the surrounding areas! I'll be attending U-Con at Uconn this weekend, and so should you! I'm going to be hosting a panel on Friday with my friend Rebecca called "University Lolita," about making your lolita lifestyle work at school. Please come see it! ♥


PS the Second: Look at this adorable sprite my friend Savannah made me! ♥ ♥ ♥

Coordinate practice is one of those things that I've heard about a lot in lolita because it's an amazing idea, but for some reason it's one bandwagon that I just never hopped on. The idea is that you take one piece, usually a large item like a one piece or a skirt, and see how many ways you can coordinate it. This is awesome for wardrobe building (make a list of the items that, outfit to outfit, you always wish you had), or, in my case, a piece that has recently been added to your wardrobe that just confounds you on how to wear it. Take this gorgeous JSK- It's gorgeous and navy is one color I've always wanted to wear more of. However, that means I own almost none of it, and those brainless "just-make-it-all-the-same-color" coordinates really aren't possible for me. It's languished unworn for far too long, so I decided to kill two birds with one stone and use it for coordinate practice- that way, I can say I've done it (loli street cred!) as well as brainstorm some ideas for its next wear.

Coordinate 1: Garden Tea Party

Rundown:

• Hymn long jumperskirt by AatP
• Forever 21 lace bolero
• Vintage beaded gloves
• Vintage hat
• Pearl chain brooch from AatP
• Lace tights from H&M
• Ruffle kitten heels from Target

This one was lace-themed- it features a lovely lace bolero ($7!) and delicate lace tights. This is probably my favorite of the set- I'm definitely going to be wearing it to the first meetup of the summer season. It's comfortable and light but still elegant- and aren't those vintage gloves just perfect for holding a delicate porcelain teacup?

Coordinate 2: Vintage Secretary

Rundown:

•  Hymn long jumperskirt by AatP
• Offbrand gray blazer
• Forever 21 black rose belt
• Vintage gloves
• Glasses from Claire's
• Tights from H&M
• Offbrand heels

When I was building this coordinate, I imagined myself the secretary for a fabulous fashion designer who's since faded into antiquity, circa 1950's. The structured jacket takes this jumperskirt into the terrain of office-appropriate, especially when paired with classy heels, while the rose belt and matching gloves give it a sweet look to it. I wouldn't necessarily call this one lolita- it probably has about the same amount of vintage and retro influence as lolita inspiration.

Coordinate 3: The Heiress

Rundown:

• Hymn long jumperskirt by AatP
• Vintage fur stole
• Vintage hat
• Offbrand velvet riding jacket
• H&M bow print tights
• Montral rocking horse shoes

This coordinate was entirely inspired by that stole- I inherited it from my grandmother, and it's the only piece of real fur I currently own or plan on owning, unless I can find another in someone's attic. I'm not a fan of fur or the fur industry, so I don't want to support it monetarily, but I feel it's disrespectful to the animal to just let it sit rotting  in someone's basement (and yes, I know that just wearing it is propagating harm to animals, and that's a perfectly good reason for you to avoid fur- but in this case, it isn't a good enough reason for me). Mixing neutrals, while technically a fashion faux-pas, is one of my favorite things to do- the dark navy of this JSK goes well with black, in my opinion, and the bright white details (on the dress, the hat, and the tights) are enough to tie the black and navy pieces together. I think it makes for a much more interesting look than if I had just chosen white or navy to play off of. I paired it with a tailored velvet equestrian-style jacket for a retro-refined look; I imagine this would be worn by a rich young heiress about her daily errands: shopping at Harrod's, accosting Daddy's secretary (above?) into wiring some more pocket money into her account (what's a measly $500 to Daddy?), and then a fine dinner to which she'll be fashionably blase. Life is difficult!

This activity was such great practice for me! The weather has lead me to leave my airy ruffles in favor of warmer clothes, and therefore I've felt so uninspired sartorially- this was a breath of fresh air for my wardrobe. If you'd like more examples of coordinate practice, Fairytale a la Mode does them very often, and her outfits are always absolutely lovely.

Here's my challenge for all of you: do your own coordinate practice!

Whether you want to use Polyvore to create the outfit of your dreams, challenge yourself to coordinate a problem piece of your wardrobe, or you've just received your first dress and have no idea how to use it with your mainstream wardrobe, show my what you come up with! If you do, I'd love it if you could link me to your coordinates in the comments below!


PS: How do you like my new hair? I got my bangs re-cut and dyed over the old color with a dark ,natural red, so the blue is much darker and more muted. I call this one "Black-cherry-paradise-half-the-sugar-twice-the-spice-I-don't-wanna-treat-you-nice-COMEONBABYROLLTHEDICE!!!", or Black Cherry for short (and my eternal love for anyone who knows what that's from!)

Please note that this article could be triggering to those who have a history of abusive relationships

There's no way anyone could be more perfect. He's funny, he's romantic, he's the absolute definition of charming. As time goes on, you spend more and more time together, blowing off your friends every so often- I mean, this may not last forever, and they should just be happy for you while it lasts. But as time goes on, you can't imagine what life would be like without him. So your friends fall to the wayside, and so do your studies or your job. Your parents say you seem different. You brush them off ; you secretly think maybe something's not right, but you can't put your finger on what it is. It's not your boyfriend, of course- the longer you're together, the more sure you are of that, and his insistence that he loves you more than anyone else seems to support it. This slowly turns into him telling you that he's the only one who'll ever love you. On those rare occasions when you go out, you constantly have to check in with him via texts or phone calls, otherwise he gets angry. No matter how much time you spend together, he starts to seem incredibly jealous when you're out with your friends, and if you invite him along, he spends the whole time making fun of you with thinly-veiled insults. He gets more and more aggressive, especially while you're being intimate. By the time you realize something's wrong, you feel like you're in so deep that there's no way you can dig yourself out.

Sound familiar? I hope not. This is practically the textbook definition of an abusive relationship. I have seen this happen far too often among the people closest to me, and a surprising number seem to occur with young women who live on the fringes of society: the outcast artist, the rockabilly pin-up girl, or, of course, the lolita. Really, I suppose this shouldn't be a surprise. How many lolita secrets are there of girls bemoaning the lack of love in their lives? It may be that the reason I haven't seen this from mainstream women because I haven't looked for it, and it won't surprise me to learn that this is true. However, no one can deny that alternative females often find themselves feeling as though they'll never find anyone who completely accepts them, very public idiosyncrasies and all. I feel that this is the underlying issue that draws followers of subculture to abusive individuals and therefore abusive relationships: this innate desire for acceptance, and the unwillingness to let go of that acceptance after finding it.

Disclaimer: I realize that this article is already not only creating an atmosphere of heteronormativity but also a sexist attitude towards males. Allow me to say, as someone who has seen both ends of the spectrum, that women can be just as abusive of men as men can be of women. I have known men who were sexually abused by their female partners, and know that women are just as likely to abuse women and men to abuse men as one sex is to hurt the other. However, since I'm speaking here from knowledge gained from my own experience and that of my loved ones, I will continue to speak of this relationship as a male abusing his female partner.

Too often I see women caged into the excuse, "But he loves me." I know the feeling. I've been there. I was in a relationship for two and a half years with a man who turned emotionally abusive. I don't even think his name anymore- I call him "Old What's-his-face" in my head when I think about him, otherwise everything gets kind of fuzzy and panicky. Sure, at first it was lovely, but after a while, things took a predictable turn for the worse. He made me feel like I was nothing unless we were having sex. He wouldn't speak to me for hours or full days if I refused him. He insulted me at every opportunity, especially in front of our mutual friends. He pressured me into texting him all the time I wasn't at our apartment, even when I was at work or with my family. I suppose I should consider myself "lucky" that he never raised a hand against me or forced himself on me. I know I did plenty of things to harm him, too, but that time of my life is admittedly rather foggy due to the mental stress it caused me, so I can't quite recall many of the details. The worst part? We started our relationship truly loving each other, and ended it with nothing but negativity towards each other.

And my friends knew. My friends could tell that something was wrong, and they could tell he was wrong for me, and they knew we weren't treating each other right, but instead of voicing their concerns and trying to help me out of a bad situation, they told me it was normal and thought, "Well, whatever makes her happy." Of course, it was after we broke up (mutually, more or less, or so I tell myself) that they told me all of this. That's the one thing I regret: I wish I had asked them for their honest opinion while we were dating, because even though I knew something was wrong, I thought the problem was something inherent to myself. Hindsight is twenty-twenty, because now I see what I didn't see then: there was nothing wrong with me. There is nothing wrong with me. Or him. We were two damaged individuals living through a difficult time in our lives, who couldn't let go of something that had gone rotten and so lashed out against each other as punishment for our own wrongs. I couldn't see the truth because I had been looking at our relationship through the rose-colored glasses of ~love~.

That's why it's so important for witnesses to stand up. I'm not blaming my loved ones for this: they did what they thought was right, and I made the same choices as them at other times in my life. I'm not blaming the victims of abuse, either; like I said, when you're in love, you can't always see the truth. Therefore, it is not your responsibility to make sure your friends stay out of an abusive relationship, but it is your job to be the eyes for someone who may too be blinded by love or infatuation to see the dangers of her situation.

Below is a list from HelpGuide.org of the signs of an abusive relationship. Please, for your own sake and that of your loved ones, become familiar with them. Memorize them - most of the are pretty obvious, so it shouldn't be too hard - and make sure they're never far from your mind. I hope you never need them.

SIGNS THAT YOU’RE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP
Your Inner Thoughts and Feelings	Your Partner’s Belittling Behavior
Do you: feel afraid of your partner much of the time? avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner? feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner? believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated? wonder if you’re the one who is crazy? feel emotionally numb or helpless?	Does your partner: humiliate or yell at you? criticize you and put you down? treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see? ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments? blame you for his own abusive behavior? see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?
Your Partner’s Violent Behavior or Threats	Your Partner’s Controlling Behavior
Does your partner: have a bad and unpredictable temper? hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?  threaten to take your children away or harm them? threaten to commit suicide if you leave? force you to have sex? destroy your belongings?	Does your partner: act excessively jealous and possessive? control where you go or what you do? keep you from seeing your friends or family? limit your access to money, the phone, or the car? constantly check up on you?

If you fear you or a loved one may be in an abusive relationship, or would just like to learn more for future reference, please check out the full page on HelpGuide. Know that abusive relationships are a very touchy subject- usually the victim knows something isn't right, but refuses to admit what that is, and can become defensive if confronted about it. It's important to approach the situation in a respectful manner, admitting that you don't know everything about their relationship but from what you've seen, they are exhibiting this or that warning sign. Preface this with the fact that it is only because you care for your friend that you bring it up at all, and that you aren't trying to insult her or her partner in bringing this to her attention. The worst thing she will do is explode in anger at you, and unfortunately, this is a sign of denial and might mean that your suspicions are true. In this case, unfortunately the change has to come from within the individuals- all you can do is know that you tried and hope you've given your friend some insight into her situation. In my case, Old What's-his-face realized that we were harming each other and broke it off. He came home at 3 AM from a little soul-searching with two women who at the time were two of my best friends and told me to move back in with my parents because we needed to break up. I slept in that bed next to him, though "slept" is not quite the term for sobbing myself into morning (looks like I had finally started believing him when he told me that I was only with him so I didn't have to be alone, because I couldn't get anyone else), and left for work the next morning with a broken heart, a battered soul, and lots of shattered promises, but ultimately the knowledge that every ending is another beginning and that it was all for the best that this particularly gruesome chapter of my story was complete.

Would I change it? No. Despite the fact that I wish one of my more observant friends had sat down with me and told me what was really going on, I do feel that the conclusion that came was for the best. However, I was lucky that my story ended where it did. Too many people suffer in silence as the abuse gets more and more severe, and too many friend find themselves attending the funeral of someone they could have helped, if only they had spoken up when they had the chance. Please, if you see something that worries you, take responsibility and stand up and say something before it's too late, and if you find yourself in an abusive relationship, remember this: you are beautiful. You are beautiful and amazing and strong and just as deserving of a loving relationship as everyone else. If you stay in an abusive relationship, you are only hurting yourself, and by facing your partner and telling them that you have had enough, you are not only freeing yourself - you're taking your fate into your own hands and changing your status from "victim" to "survivor."













For more:
♥When the Prince Isn't Charming at Her Curious Elegance♥♥Love and Stockholm Syndrome♥

...and charm they do! I happened upon this shop via Tumblr, where someone posted this beauty, shown above. The shop specializes in tooled leather belts that feature designs with a retro or vintage feel. A bit of digging brought me to their blog, which features pictures of custom pieces, celebrity sightings wearing their work, and some crazy eyecandy. Here are a few examples:









Am I the only one who's going crazy over these designs?! And, pricewise, they're not as bad as I was expecting. Considering these are all custom-sized, the $80-or-so is really not out of the question. Maybe someday!
Find them:Contrived to Charm blogContrived to Charm Etsy

 

I'm not going to lie- blogging is not easy. Sure, some people have a knack for it, like anything, but for most of us, it's practically a full-time job. There's a lot more to it than just typing up an article, though of course that's largely the most important. However, any good blogger needs to have an arsenal of other skills that they're constantly honing for their blog, such as planning, marketing, keeping deadlines, sometimes graphic design, as well as people skills and a whole barrel of other traits. So why would anyone bother? In my opinion, anyone would benefit from writing a blog, but lolitas specifically. Here are just a few reasons why, as a lolita, you should consider making the leap into Loli Blogger:

1. Catalog your lolita experience. This is the best part of blogging, for me. When I went through my older articles recently, I remembered things that had once seemed such an intrinsic part of lolita but had since slipped by the wayside. It's the same with outfit photos - it's so interesting to look back and pictures from my sweet lolita days and realize how much my style has changed, even if my wardrobe hasn't necessarily!
2. Build up a knowledge base for newer lolis. This is such an amazing way to pay it forward. When we first started out, all of us needed inspiration and knowledge and even just someone to keep us updated on current events. I'm currently looking for new ways to write for both seasoned lolitas and newbies- Back in MY day, blogging was nowhere near as big as it is today, so it would make me really happy to give new girls the resource I was looking for when I first started.
3. Create an identity. This may not be the biggest selling point for some girls, but I feel like those lolitas who really break the mold (brolis, or highly pierced lolitas, or those with tattoos) do such a wonderful service by having their own blog. The lolita community tends to be so monotone that any break from the norm can be a welcome relief. It's also so interesting to me to see how something we think is so in-the-box can be interpreted in such creative ways by other people. Sure, that's what websites like daily_lolita are for, but I feel like blogging does a much better job of getting rid of anonymity and creating a recognizable identity within the lolita sphere.
4. Make friends! This is such a huge reason for me! I've met so many lovely people through my blog and other peoples'. Any time I get a new follower, I click on their profile and check out their blog if they have one- yes, every time! I always get so sad if they don't have one, because I love discovering new blogs and bloggers all the time.
5. Give back to the community. I've been alluding to this one throughout this post, and that's because it's probably the top reason I think lolitas should start blogging. From the first millisecond we find interest in lolita, we begin compiling a mental database of all the knowledge we will need throughout our careers as lolitas, a database which is hopefully always expanding. This information is also filtered through our own experiences, so even though everyone knows that the hime cut is a classic lolita hairstyle, you can still create an interesting article based on your own experiences with a topic usually considered so common-place, and to me, that's the true joy of both reading and writing lolita blogs.