There, I said it.

I've been thinking it for years, waxing poetic to friends, dropping hints on my blog, but now I have to just come out and own up to the fact that I think offbrand lolita outfits are way better than brand-based lolita fashion coordinates. They require more creativity, are more often personal, and can be a much more accessible investment for individuals who can't or don't want to throw down an entire paycheck for one dress.

My favorite offbrand/indie brand lolita outfit - click here for full post!

Now, don't get me wrong - I love me some brand. I went through a period, like most lolitas do, of feeling like the only worthwhile coordinates were 90% made up of designer pieces, and in all honesty I found most lolitas' reasoning for not buying brand to be a cop out. Oh, you can't afford it? Save up and stop buying the cheap crap that comes up on the sales comm. You're too big for it? Whatever, people sell fully shirred stuff all the time - it's not like I'm typical brand-size and I manage. Needless to say, I'm really happy to have changed my mind - and also grown the heck up - about other lolitas' wardrobes as well as my own.

Here's why:

Fashion blogger Lessie in a handmade
classic lolita dress

Brand-name lolita is designed specifically to suit the lolita fashion aesthetic. It's easy to look like a doll when you're buying from a company which probably invests hundreds of thousands of dollars per year into clothes which do exactly that. As a community, we sort of agreed years ago that it takes very little finesse to be a lolita if all you do is buy the entire pre-coordinated series when it's released, and then throw it on with a pre-styled wig and tea party shoes. I'm happy to see that we've moved past that; heck, I remember a brief period when it was a taboo to mix more than one brand in a single coordinate. Talk about hindering creativity! This isn't to say that I hate brand or the people who wear it; for formal gatherings that are about dressing to the nines, I still favor brand because it sends a message to other lolitas that one is pulling out all the stops. However, for smaller gatherings and even just for my aesthetics in general, I think that outfits which center around non-brand items are just generally more appealing and creative from a third-party standpoint.

Coordinate by Pinkly Ever After, featuring their
Darling Sugar Cake OP Dress

Any article of clothing in a coordinate which didn't come from a big brand is one of three things. First, it might be something they've bought from a non-lolita store, which requires ingenuity either in altering it to be perfect or in every single time it's coordinated. Or, the second option is that they bought it from an indie brand, which means they're supporting smaller, independent artisans. Third and finally, they could wear something they've handmade themselves, which requires immense skill and time devotion; even something which is poorly made requires far more dedication that buying brand because the creator had to design it, buy the materials, and put their own time into creating it.

A gothic coordinate by Ms. Thea Elizabeth featuring a handmade skirt

Lolita fashion is also a huge investment. If you're a lolita who dresses up often but also has a day job, it's ridiculous to expect that you'll shell out a thousand bucks on a completely brand-name coordinate when you also need to furnish yourself with, for example, an office-friendly wardrobe. That's to say nothing of feeding yourself/your family, paying the bills, and all the other things which demand our time and money that aren't lolita fashion. And even which are! Meetups and conventions can suck the money right out of that Angelic Pretty wallet. Unless you live a block from all of your lolita friends and your local community's favorite meetup idea is to sit in your house talking (not eating or drinking or watching anything), participating in your local lolita community costs money. If you're budgeting yourself very carefully for one reason or another, you can't always afford the big brand AND the events you'd be wearing it to.

Offbrand-based classic lolita, featuring a skirt by Dix Macabre

But Lumpy, I hear you say, there are plenty of options out there for acquiring brand - they don't have to buy directly from the store! Sure, they can check Mbok or Yahoo!Japan Auctions or any of our many sales comms, but you forget - even if that saves money, that can still cost a huge investment of time and effort, which many people just don't have. Personally, when I get home from my ten-hour days, the act of devising and making myself dinner is sometimes all the effort I can really bring myself to put forth (hello, blogging twice a month max!) Weekends I spend doing things for myself, and sometimes that's shopping online, but more often it's going out with my boyfriend, crafting with friends, writing, or playing video games. That's to say nothing of people who work more than me, or have more obligations or less cash than I do. Everyone has their reasons. Like I've said before: privilege, 'n stuff.

Dancing in celebration of offbrand lolita!

I can see why a lot of lolitas are attached to brand, though. In the end, lolita is really all about luxury, and if you only wear it for big events, it's not too unreasonable to expect that you'll be able to save up and create some really lovely coordinates out of only designer items. And not only will they look great, they'll probably make you feel amazing - there isn't much as exhilarating as slipping into a dress you've earned, that you saved up for and that you know you deserve.

But these outfits... will they be innovative? Will they inspire? Will they be an honest test of your coordinating abilities, your sartorial prowess, your ability to weave lowly, lackluster pieces into truly jaw-dropping elegance? Maybe this is just my opinion - but I'll bet they won't.

More resources for going brand-free:

Ramble Rori: Indie Brands You Should Be Buying From

Ramble Rori: Indie Brands You Should Be Buying From - UPDATED!

F Yeah Offbrand!

Indie Lolita Brand Shop List

What do you think? Do you prefer offbrand lolita outfits, or brand?

Lolita may be a fashion, but it necessitates a certain skillset too. Being doll-like requires you to learn a lot of new skills- maybe you had to learn a new beauty skill, like teasing your hair or applying circle lenses, or maybe donning over-the-top wigs and pastels taught you self-confidence and how to stand up for your style. I think that's one of the best things about lolita- it forces you out of your comfort zone and teaches you about yourself and the outside world.

Here are the top 5 skills I learned from wearing lolita fashion!

♥ "I know the word in Japanese, I just don't know how to say it!" Reading so many brand websites has given me a really unique understanding of the Japanese language. I've learned to recognize a good number of characters by sight alone, with no idea how they're actually pronounced (the one that comes to mind is 綿, which is the symbol for cotton, and which Google translate has just reminded me is pronounced "wata." Let's see how long I remember it this time!)

♠ "Hand wash only? Piece of cake! Where's my Oxi-Clean?" I used to live in fear of hand-washing my garments, but these days? Bring it on! Relatedly, if not for lolita I don't think I'd ever know what bluing is.

♣ "I better get all of my international orders in before the dollar tanks even MORE!" Before lolita, I knew nothing about conversion rates, let alone the strength of the dollar in comparison to other countries' currencies. In my heyday of buying lolita both from Japanese sites and second-hand off the communities, I could instantly convert complicated prices to within a few dollars' worth of accuracy - euro, pounds, yen. I also knew which countries and currencies to avoid because the US dollar was currently weak against them. I've never been much of an economist, but for the first time in my life, lolita made it necessary for me to pay attention to these things.

♦"Uh oh, creeper alert! Time to duck into this Starbucks until he's walked by." The way I assess danger is much different these days. I'm used to be heckled on the street and know when to hold my own, but I've also developed a pretty good instinct on who and what to just avoid altogether. Maybe this comes with age, and I just happened to get into lolita at a time when people naturally begin assessing danger differently, but I certainly feel like my experience walking around cities in lolita at night has helped boatloads now that I live in a city whose active nightlife I participate in.

★ "Man, this blouse is totally loliable! I just need to take it in, replace the buttons, change the sleeve shape entirely, and completely remake the collar!" Now, I've always sewn, and I'd like to think I'm fairly adept at it, putting aside my typical clumsiness and hastiness, but when I got into lolita my entire experience behind a sewing machine changed. Previously I'd so slight alterations - a hem here, a patch there - but when I started building my wardrobe, I embraced clothing reconstruction wholeheartedly. For a while there, it was like no sewing project was too big- it was worth adding a new color or item to my closet, no matter how much work it needed. Weirdly, I stayed away from making anything terribly complex on my own, but clothing surgery? That was my jam.

♥ What ridiculous skills have YOU learned from your experience in lolita? Tell me in the comments below! ♥

Inspiration: The Subconscious Side Effects of Being a Lolita

When I got into lolita, I got REALLY into lolita. I'm not really one for doing things halfway, so within a few months of getting into the communities I was already a lifestyle lolita* and had made myself a fairly decent wardrode of handmade simple skirts and matching blouses. I know a lot of people who did the same, and while I certainly don't think it's a bad way to get into the community, it does have its own unique disadvantages. Therefore, for this week's Lolita Blog Carnival prompt, "3 secrets for someone just getting into lolita fashion," I decided to address my post specifically to lolitas like myself, whose decision to get into the scene was a wholehearted leap into the unknown, from which they still haven't truly been able to recover.


*lifestyle lolita: a slightly outdated term at this point, but which at the time basically meant that lolita fashion corresponded with your outside interests, from what you ate to how you exercised. It's largely fallen out of use in favor of a more toned-down general interest in tea and penchant for cupcakes.

♥You don't need to be active in the community. I was totally one of those girls. I didn't feel like I was truly a lolita unless I read every single post on egl, commented and shared my opinion on everything, and got lots of comments on my daily_lolita posts (as you can see, I joined back when the community was still very mired in the LiveJournal universe). Any of my friends who weren't really into it just didn't make sense to me. Lolita, even though I wore it in the real world, was a label still intrinsically tied to the internet and online communities. Don't do that. There's a disconnect there that's unhealthy for your idea of fashion and your own appearance for two reasons. One, your internal concept of a real-life experience that a huge amount of your life revolves around only actually exists for you in the form of internet interactions. Two, validation only comes at the hands of an anonymous mass you'll never actually meet instead of from within yourself.

♥The rules matter, but they also kind of don't. Honestly, they really only matter if you're active in the community. Any photos you post to daily_lolita or Lacebook or whatever when you first start should follow the rules to a T (as well as outfits for meetups), but really, the only people who'll actually care if you're following the rules will probably only interact with you online. As far as your daily wardrobe goes, who cares? Your classmates or work buddies won't care that you aren't wearing a petticoat, or that you're wearing your favorite band tee with a BABY skirt. Experiment. Color outside the lines. Once you've tried a few things and know how to bring your own personal style into the fashion, THEN you should try posting some of your more experimental coordinates to the communities, or wearing them to local meetups. Otherwise, trust me, you're signing yourself up for more annoyance than it's worth.

♥There really are better things to spend your money on than brand. One of the things that always kills me is something I did myself when I first got into the fashion: all of my excess spending money went to building my wardrobe. I never really went out with my friends or took weekends off to go places with my family, because I was focused single-mindedly on affording lolita. I've always felt that experiences are more important than things, and the material excesses that lolita tends to breed can be really caustic to the soul. Yeah, you COULD buy Angelic Pretty's newest print release - or maybe you could go on vacation for a weekend. Get a hotel in the city (whichever city that is for you), maybe catch a show, and have a really fulfilling time with someone you care about (or alone!). It may not be quite as sartorially satisfying as owning and wearing a beautiful garment, but really, that time that you have either with someone you love or alone is worth way more than a dress you'll own for a couple years at most.

That's my opinion, anyway! Don't agree?

Check out these other tips from fellow Lolibloggers!

The Cute Lifestyle

Suns in Our Hands

ImaPrincess

Lace a la Mode
Smithsonian
R Gorey
Lolita Glamour
Oh Velveteena
Hello Batty

I'm pretty sure every follower of lolita fashion is familiar with the book we so often get likened to. Plenty of us yell and scream about how the conventional definition of the word is completely off-base, and we can tell people we aren't sexually-provocative young girls until our throats bleed, the only way we can truly understand the difference between ourselves and the characters in the book is to, you know, actually read it. That's what I was thinking the first time I picked up the book.I first read Lolita when I originally got into this fashion, to arm myself against what I imagined would be an onslaught of pedophiles as soon as I uttered its name. I went to my local library. I read the first page. I was hooked, and the addiction would last a lifetime.

It isn't even so much that it's a good story. For me, that first time, it didn't even have a story. I was so entranced by the beauty of Nabokov's language, his flowery descriptions and elegant prose, that my first time reading the book I couldn't have told you what it was about. I registered nothing but the words- beautiful words I had never heard of or seen before, in English, Latin, and French.

But then, the second time I read it, I picked up on the plot: the beautiful, heartbreaking, incredibly disturbing plot. You may have heard that Lolita

is a troubling book, not just in the sense of being a mentally-taxing read, but also in that you find yourself rooting for the bad guy-- a bad guy who is so far from most civilized morals that, before reading, you think he's the type of character you could never feel any sympathy for. Of course I won't go into details or give anything away, but anyone who has experience with incest, sexual trauma, rape, or even kidnapping, please be warned that this book could be highly triggering. However, if you're a bibliophile, this piece is practically required reading. It was through Lolitathat I learned to think critically of point of view, that I learned that the narrator is not always trustworthy, that I learned to think outside of the box which was instilled in me during my middle school English classes. When I'm a literature teacher, I'll probably assign this book for these reasons if nothing else.

But I digress. The point is, there's more to this book than racy thematic devices. This piece is an excellent read for anyone interested in vintage fashion (Oh, if I had Dolly's wardrobe!), psychology, literature, or even just people who like long books full of fancy words and beautiful prose which borders on erotica. If nothing else, read this book to arm yourself against the fight our name has destined us for; I can almost guarantee you'll enjoy it.

“The more I learn about this country, the more I think I should live somewhere else.”

—	Hunter S. Thompson

The impulse to travel is a deeply ingrained one. Whether we get it from the old hunter-gatherer instinct to follow the migrations of our food sources, or if it's more similar to modern-day escapism, the need to explore has become as quintessential to humanity as empathy is. And well it should be- there's nothing that broadens the horizons more than putting yourself somewhere you've never been, surrounded by a language you don't speak and smells and sounds you've never encountered before. It's marvelous, exhilarating, and terrifying, and if I ruled the world, I would put it at the top of everyone's to-do list.

It seems, lately, like I've been seeing a lot of similar statements. However, a lot of the time, they're different in one key aspect: many of them say something along the lines of "Travel is my biggest priority and you're wasting your life if it isn't yours too." Here's the thing: as much as I'd like to tell everyone that their money is only worthwhile if they're doing something to expand their horizons, I don't know them. I don't know their lives, their jobs, their family situations, or anything else about them- who am I to say what they should or shouldn't be spending their money on? I've been incredibly privileged my entire life: my parents retired younger than most, have always put a huge emphasis on the importance of exploration, and, though money was never plentiful, were able to save up to take us away on nice vacations that I took for granted for far too long. I'm also very thankful that, as an adult, I've never been out of work, have always had enough money to feed myself and pay my bills, and was able to save up money and take time off for work with relative ease. I don't have kids to leave at home, a job that would fire me if I tried to take time off, or trouble making ends meet as it is. Basically, what I'm trying to say is, if you can travel, you're lucky. Privilege 'n stuff.

However, I do think that exposing oneself to new cultures is something that's important enough that everyone should make a point to do, whether that means flying thirty hours away (Hello, Australia!) or one of these much simpler and cost-effective ideas:

• Find yourself a nice day trip or two! Visit a neighboring state/province and go to a museum or sit in a cafe. This is one of my favorite things to do- I've always loved picking an exit at random when I'm driving off the highway and just discovering what there is to do there, but you could do this by train, bus, taxi, or whatever else it available to you.
• Find a really, really excellent restaurant of an obscure cuisine you've never eaten. I went to a tasty Afghan restaurant in the city a year or two ago, but other cuisines to check out could be Ethiopian, Nepalese, Swedish, or Basque. Just remember that it's likely that you're getting a watered-down version of whatever you're eating, especially here in America- it may or may not actually be legit!
• Go to the library check out a book of fairy tales from a country you've never heard of. While you're there, try picking up a travel guide and maybe a history book or two. Turn yourself into an expert!
• Google and find the arts and crafts of a specific region you're interested in. Usually you can find some easy, inexpensive ideas meant for kids that can be fun and enlightening for creative types of any age.
• Research upcoming holidays. It's often thought of as disrespectful or inconsiderate to try and celebrate a holiday that isn't your own culture's, so be respectful, but learning about a country's important days and the mythology behind them is a great way to learn more about a society's values.

Readers: do you often find yourself suffering from wanderlust? How do you cope? And while you're at it, tell me the one place you want to go first and foremost, above all others!

PS- Sorry I've been so dead lately! Getting into the swing of the semester is always hard, but I have a handful of articles already started that I'd like to get to in the next few weeks, and then an important announcement! See you soon~

An affirmation is a declaration of something that's true; an affirmation prayer is a religious or metaphysical technique that focuses on a positive outcome instead of a negative one (thanks, Wikipedia!). While "prayer" is a term I shy away from, because I dislike anything that has religious connotations, I think of an affirmation as being a collection of positive thoughts that sees you through hard times, and I think it's important for everyone to have one.

Here's the affirmation I've taken to saying to myself before bed at night, or some variation thereof:

I am a creation of love and beauty. Everything I do spreads positivity and happiness to the people around me. I share the light in my soul with everyone who is dear to me, and I strive to be someone who makes their lives better simply for knowing me. I am cool and calm and collected, and completely comfortable with myself no matter how I look, dress, or feel. The negativity I encounter is nothing compared to the joy I hold within me, and even the darkest of my own depressions can be beaten by it.When I am in doubt of my own awesomeness, I remember that I am a goddess of love and beauty in my own way. I am powerful and capable, and obstacles fall before me; everything I strive for I can accomplish, and if not, it's because accomplishing it will not further my growth as a human being. Everything I have encountered comes together within me to shape me into the person I am today, no matter how awful it seemed at the time. With the love, peace, and joy within me, I am unstoppable. I am fearless. I cannot be beaten.

I think it's really important for everyone to have an affirmation that will lift their spirits when challenges seem insurmountable. If you don't have one yet, I really suggest writing one for yourself! It can be as simple or complex as you like; this one is rather long, but another mantra of mine that I find myself falling back to time and again is as easy as "Breathe. You can do this." The important part of your affirmation is that it reminds you of everything you're striving for and how amazing your life will be once you accomplish these goals. It'll get your through difficult times and remind you that whatever you're living through at that moment, no matter how dire it seems, will someday be one more challenge you've learned and grown from.

Do you have a motto?

Share your own affirmations in the comments section!

If you don't already have one, what would yours be?

If you're someone who wears alternative fashion, every time you change your clothes you make a choice: Today, should I be myself, or should I be whomever society expects me to be? Do I wear petticoats and corsets, or jeans and T-shirts? Do I express the beauty within me, or do I hide myself away in a disguise of normalcy? Do I want to be stared at, laughed at, glared at, or do I want to be ignored behind a hoodie and leave the beauty to rot in my soul?

Many people and most lolitas know the now-cliche Japanese saying: the nail that sticks up gets hammered down. Even though the proverb originated in Asia, it is clearly illustrated in almost all cultures and almost all countries. If you look different from the rest of those around you, you're a freak. You're not a person anymore. You're public property. You're there for the amusement of others, for them to take pictures or videos or scream insults at or question innocently or whatever they want to do with you, and if you rise against it, you're the one who's being inconsiderate.

Now, when you put on clothing that's out of the norm, a certain amount of attention is expected, maybe even welcome. Imagine if you lived in a world that was only made up of shades of grey, a world of white and black and slate, and then all of a sudden into your line of vision flashes a huge burst of pink. It's strange, it's new, it's weird- what would you do? Of course you'd do a double take. You'd probably stare, too, and if you were capable you'd probably go over and ask it questions, and whether you laughed or respected it would depend on who you are as a person. That's probably what it's like to see someone wearing alternative fashion, and that's why I'm not offended by second glances or repeated looks. It's okay, I'm weird- I don't expect you to take my existence lightly. I also know that it makes me stand out, and that standing out can be dangerous. However, from the average person walking down the street, I do expect respect, so when people take pictures or videos of me without my knowledge or tug on my curls to see if they're real or lift up my skirt to see what holds its shape (all of which have happened, and unfortunately most are not isolated incidents), I don't take it lightly. It is an affront to my person, to my physical and mental safety and well-being, and that is not something that I as a person deserve to have violated, no matter what clothing I choose.

Possible trigger warning ahead: discrimination, abuse, and rape are discussed past here.

Hopefully by now you see where I'm going with this. No person of any gender, race, class, age, sexual orientation or definition, or ability deserve to feel like their safety is threatened because of how they look, dress, or act. No matter how "safety" or "threatened" is defined, there is nothing about a person that means they do not deserve complete and utter respect.

Please note that I'm not putting being laughed at and being sexually assaulted on the same level. Bullying and rape are two very different occurrences, and they vary hugely in consequence. However, I believe that they are part of the same problem, that they stem from the same ideas of privilege, hatred, and negativity: because of how you look, an aggressor thinks they have the right to punish you for it. Rape is regarded as being more of an act of aggression against a societal construct that is focused on an unfortunate person (wrong place, wrong time, wrong clothing or demeanor), and I believe that often harassment over one's clothing or appearance often has the same basis: lashing out against something that bucks the status quo in a manner that offends the aggressor.

Please also note that I'm not saying that people get sexually assaulted because of their clothing; I've known plenty of people who were raped or molested or harassed wearing jeans. The clothing doesn't matter; in the cases I'm extrapolating on, however, the person's clothing choice was the catalyst for their harassment.

I have been sexually harassed in lolita, and so have many other people. Almost all lolitas (or at least, almost all the lolitas I know) have stories of people who tried to take pictures up their skirts, touch them inappropriately, proposition them or make unwanted sexual advances. It is assumed that because someone is wearing unusual clothing, they are doing it because they want attention, and some modern barbarian decides that it's their responsibility to teach that person a lesson, because god forbid someone likes to be looked at; or it is assumed that it is a sexual fetish and, since they're parading it around in front of everyone, they clearly deserve whatever some scum decides to give to them.

This is something that is faced by many people every single day, because of the society they live in: their neighborhood or their upbringing or any other number of things. Those of us with the privilege not to have to fight that at all times must recognize this; it is incredibly solacing to me that I can walk out of my house and take a train or go to the library or the movies and not have to constantly fear for my own safety. I am incredibly thankful for it, and I am thankful for the privilege it allows me to dress in ways that inadvertently  happen to get attention without much threat to my own person. However, not everyone is this lucky. I think, first and foremost, that there is a certain amount of privilege inherent in people who wear alternative fashion, and that it's important right here and now to acknowledge that.

That being said, just like a person does not deserve to be molested simply because they are wearing revealing clothing, my friends and I deserve to be able to go out for a drink or dinner and not feel like our own safety is in jeopardy because we're wearing petticoats or top hats or ballerina heels. To me, it seems like this should be obvious, but to many people in the world, it isn't. And in the privileged society we live in, when we don't like something, what do we do?

In the words of my fellow marchers: What do you do when you're under attack?

Stand up. Fight back.

The time to sit passively and hope for change is over. It's such a cliche these days, but our ancestors fought hard so that we'd have the right to stand up for ourselves, and it is in their honor that we must rise against oppression in every sense, in every way, even this oppression which seem minute to anyone who's never had to face it. "Why don't you just change your clothes?" they ask.

"If the woman in the short skirt isn't asking for it, which she isn't," I respond, "Why am I?"

I'm not saying join a SlutWalk. I know there are a lot of inherent problems with this particular institution, and a lot of people are very, very opposed to them. However, when I decided to participate in SlutWalk NYC, I decided that the controversy surrounding it, while at times well-deserved, did not negate the positivity of its message in my mind. If you disagree, if the wrongs that are attributed to it overwhelm the rest of this movement, I'm not asking you to ignore that and march with a group you disagree with. However, I am saying that you should not sit passively back. Find a movement and join it. Do something to raise your voice because you have the right to and what's the point in having rights we don't use? What's the point in just complaining about the problems in the world if you're not actually doing something to fight it?

Or don't. Don't march, don't shout, don't kick up a fuss every time you're laughed at, stared at, screamed at. But if that's the course of action you choose, don't be upset when nothing changes. Our society is lazy and it likes the way things are: it'll only change with constant prodding and poking and forcing it to, and if you don't do it, who will?

Most pictures are from Pavement Pieces - I lost the source for the close-up of Remi and I, so if it's yours please let me know!

SLUTWALK. SLUTWALK WAS THE BEST THING EVER. OMGOMGOMG SLUTWALK.

...Okay, now that THAT'S out of my system! This weekend was SlutWalk NYC, and my friend Remi and I marched together in lolita to share our experiences and lend our voices. I'm going to do an article about why I think it's super important for followers of alternative fashion to get behind movements like SlutWalk, but for now, here's what I wore!!

Rundown:

Headband: AliceBands

Cutsew: AatP

Corset: Lolita Nouveau

Skirt: Handmade (off the comm)

Socks: Metamorphose

Shoes: Bodyline

Parasol (which I didn't actually bring): Angelic Pretty

The walk itself was amazing; it was absolutely above and beyond the best moment of my life. Unfortunately, during the speeches afterwards there was a massive downpour, and Remi and I had to go take shelter in Forever 21. I also brought my camera totally ready to take a crapton of pictures AND videos, and of course forgot to charge the battery. FAIL! But I've found a few pictures of us with our sign (which said, "Am I asking for it, too?"), so as soon as I've contacted the photographers and requested permission to use them they'll be up! Look out for my full article about it, too :)

EDIT: The article is up! Check out The Importance of Protest to Alternative Fashion here

PS- check out my new hair! I think this is the first pictures I've posted here with this cut. I love it, but it'll be better when it grows out a bit- the stylist wanted to make sure it had enough volume, but he ended up making it a bit bushier than I'd like it, haha!

Miss Lumpy's Rules for Life

 

1. Eat lots of fruit and drink plenty of water
2. Create an amazing facial care regime of exfoliater, cleanser, toner, and moisturizer with SPF
3. Observe nature and the universe
4. Read The Secret Garden
5. Pick flowers and thank the universe for their loveliness
6. Love someone today
7. Experiment with everything and anything that makes you happy
8. Wear lipgloss- or don't, because nobody's really looking closely enough to care
9. Eat a lot of things that make you feel amazing
10. Listen to beautiful music created by talented men and woman
11. Carry a camera and take pictures of the things around you
12. Go for a stroll today
13. Sit in the sunlight for at least fifteen minutes a day
14. Plant a garden
15. Make hot chocolate
16. Bake
17. Create
18. Every time you get any amount of money, put 10% of it into a savings account. Don't touch it.
19. Learn self-defense, because the world isn't always as beautiful as you are
20. Wear red lipstick
21. Smile at other beautiful girls, and occasionally at beautiful boys (maybe!)
22. Learn a new skill this year, and keep at it until you perfect it
23. Kiss your friends
24. Free yourself from someone who has hurt you
25. Kiss and tell
26. Turn your cellphone off for a whole week- better yet, turn off your computer, too.
27. Ask someone who inspires you who they are inspired by
28. Make new friends
29. Buy a few perfumes and wear them on special occasions- or whenever you feel like it
30. Eat spinach
31. Take vitamins
32. Learn to ice skate
33. Read Poe. Read Thoreau. Read Whitman or anyone else who urges you to observe the world around you.
34. In fact, read anything on Project Gutenberg
35. Memorize your favorite poems so you can recite them on command
36. Why bother being negative? It'll only make you sadder and drain your energy. Instead, replace every other negative thought with a positive one (because replacing EVERY thought is a bit of a jump!)
37. Forgive often, but never forget
38. Live for yourself, because in the grand scheme of things, no one else REALLY matters
39. Get a tattoo
40. Drink good wine
41. Once in a while, pick someone in your life and show them how much they mean to you
42. Wish upon a star
43. Do a research paper, even if no one will ever grade it
44. Stay up to watch the sun rise at least once a year
45. Go to sleep to birdsong
46. Keep a potted plant and talk to it when you're lonely
47. Sing along really, really loudly to wildly inappropriate songs
48. Do your nails if you feel like it; match them to your coordinate so you feel like a princess even after you've taken it off.
49. Find something to fight for
50. Remember that, no matter what, you are beautiful, strong, and capable of handling everything the universe gives you.
    
    
    
    
    [this entirely-for-fun post partially inspired by these articles at F Yeah Lolita]
    
    
    
    
    [also- today is my birthday! Happy 22nd to me!!]

Please note that this article could be triggering to those who have a history of abusive relationships

There's no way anyone could be more perfect. He's funny, he's romantic, he's the absolute definition of charming. As time goes on, you spend more and more time together, blowing off your friends every so often- I mean, this may not last forever, and they should just be happy for you while it lasts. But as time goes on, you can't imagine what life would be like without him. So your friends fall to the wayside, and so do your studies or your job. Your parents say you seem different. You brush them off ; you secretly think maybe something's not right, but you can't put your finger on what it is. It's not your boyfriend, of course- the longer you're together, the more sure you are of that, and his insistence that he loves you more than anyone else seems to support it. This slowly turns into him telling you that he's the only one who'll ever love you. On those rare occasions when you go out, you constantly have to check in with him via texts or phone calls, otherwise he gets angry. No matter how much time you spend together, he starts to seem incredibly jealous when you're out with your friends, and if you invite him along, he spends the whole time making fun of you with thinly-veiled insults. He gets more and more aggressive, especially while you're being intimate. By the time you realize something's wrong, you feel like you're in so deep that there's no way you can dig yourself out.

Sound familiar? I hope not. This is practically the textbook definition of an abusive relationship. I have seen this happen far too often among the people closest to me, and a surprising number seem to occur with young women who live on the fringes of society: the outcast artist, the rockabilly pin-up girl, or, of course, the lolita. Really, I suppose this shouldn't be a surprise. How many lolita secrets are there of girls bemoaning the lack of love in their lives? It may be that the reason I haven't seen this from mainstream women because I haven't looked for it, and it won't surprise me to learn that this is true. However, no one can deny that alternative females often find themselves feeling as though they'll never find anyone who completely accepts them, very public idiosyncrasies and all. I feel that this is the underlying issue that draws followers of subculture to abusive individuals and therefore abusive relationships: this innate desire for acceptance, and the unwillingness to let go of that acceptance after finding it.

Disclaimer: I realize that this article is already not only creating an atmosphere of heteronormativity but also a sexist attitude towards males. Allow me to say, as someone who has seen both ends of the spectrum, that women can be just as abusive of men as men can be of women. I have known men who were sexually abused by their female partners, and know that women are just as likely to abuse women and men to abuse men as one sex is to hurt the other. However, since I'm speaking here from knowledge gained from my own experience and that of my loved ones, I will continue to speak of this relationship as a male abusing his female partner.

Too often I see women caged into the excuse, "But he loves me." I know the feeling. I've been there. I was in a relationship for two and a half years with a man who turned emotionally abusive. I don't even think his name anymore- I call him "Old What's-his-face" in my head when I think about him, otherwise everything gets kind of fuzzy and panicky. Sure, at first it was lovely, but after a while, things took a predictable turn for the worse. He made me feel like I was nothing unless we were having sex. He wouldn't speak to me for hours or full days if I refused him. He insulted me at every opportunity, especially in front of our mutual friends. He pressured me into texting him all the time I wasn't at our apartment, even when I was at work or with my family. I suppose I should consider myself "lucky" that he never raised a hand against me or forced himself on me. I know I did plenty of things to harm him, too, but that time of my life is admittedly rather foggy due to the mental stress it caused me, so I can't quite recall many of the details. The worst part? We started our relationship truly loving each other, and ended it with nothing but negativity towards each other.

And my friends knew. My friends could tell that something was wrong, and they could tell he was wrong for me, and they knew we weren't treating each other right, but instead of voicing their concerns and trying to help me out of a bad situation, they told me it was normal and thought, "Well, whatever makes her happy." Of course, it was after we broke up (mutually, more or less, or so I tell myself) that they told me all of this. That's the one thing I regret: I wish I had asked them for their honest opinion while we were dating, because even though I knew something was wrong, I thought the problem was something inherent to myself. Hindsight is twenty-twenty, because now I see what I didn't see then: there was nothing wrong with me. There is nothing wrong with me. Or him. We were two damaged individuals living through a difficult time in our lives, who couldn't let go of something that had gone rotten and so lashed out against each other as punishment for our own wrongs. I couldn't see the truth because I had been looking at our relationship through the rose-colored glasses of ~love~.

That's why it's so important for witnesses to stand up. I'm not blaming my loved ones for this: they did what they thought was right, and I made the same choices as them at other times in my life. I'm not blaming the victims of abuse, either; like I said, when you're in love, you can't always see the truth. Therefore, it is not your responsibility to make sure your friends stay out of an abusive relationship, but it is your job to be the eyes for someone who may too be blinded by love or infatuation to see the dangers of her situation.

Below is a list from HelpGuide.org of the signs of an abusive relationship. Please, for your own sake and that of your loved ones, become familiar with them. Memorize them - most of the are pretty obvious, so it shouldn't be too hard - and make sure they're never far from your mind. I hope you never need them.

SIGNS THAT YOU’RE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP
Your Inner Thoughts and Feelings	Your Partner’s Belittling Behavior
Do you: feel afraid of your partner much of the time? avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner? feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner? believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated? wonder if you’re the one who is crazy? feel emotionally numb or helpless?	Does your partner: humiliate or yell at you? criticize you and put you down? treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see? ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments? blame you for his own abusive behavior? see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?
Your Partner’s Violent Behavior or Threats	Your Partner’s Controlling Behavior
Does your partner: have a bad and unpredictable temper? hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?  threaten to take your children away or harm them? threaten to commit suicide if you leave? force you to have sex? destroy your belongings?	Does your partner: act excessively jealous and possessive? control where you go or what you do? keep you from seeing your friends or family? limit your access to money, the phone, or the car? constantly check up on you?

If you fear you or a loved one may be in an abusive relationship, or would just like to learn more for future reference, please check out the full page on HelpGuide. Know that abusive relationships are a very touchy subject- usually the victim knows something isn't right, but refuses to admit what that is, and can become defensive if confronted about it. It's important to approach the situation in a respectful manner, admitting that you don't know everything about their relationship but from what you've seen, they are exhibiting this or that warning sign. Preface this with the fact that it is only because you care for your friend that you bring it up at all, and that you aren't trying to insult her or her partner in bringing this to her attention. The worst thing she will do is explode in anger at you, and unfortunately, this is a sign of denial and might mean that your suspicions are true. In this case, unfortunately the change has to come from within the individuals- all you can do is know that you tried and hope you've given your friend some insight into her situation. In my case, Old What's-his-face realized that we were harming each other and broke it off. He came home at 3 AM from a little soul-searching with two women who at the time were two of my best friends and told me to move back in with my parents because we needed to break up. I slept in that bed next to him, though "slept" is not quite the term for sobbing myself into morning (looks like I had finally started believing him when he told me that I was only with him so I didn't have to be alone, because I couldn't get anyone else), and left for work the next morning with a broken heart, a battered soul, and lots of shattered promises, but ultimately the knowledge that every ending is another beginning and that it was all for the best that this particularly gruesome chapter of my story was complete.

Would I change it? No. Despite the fact that I wish one of my more observant friends had sat down with me and told me what was really going on, I do feel that the conclusion that came was for the best. However, I was lucky that my story ended where it did. Too many people suffer in silence as the abuse gets more and more severe, and too many friend find themselves attending the funeral of someone they could have helped, if only they had spoken up when they had the chance. Please, if you see something that worries you, take responsibility and stand up and say something before it's too late, and if you find yourself in an abusive relationship, remember this: you are beautiful. You are beautiful and amazing and strong and just as deserving of a loving relationship as everyone else. If you stay in an abusive relationship, you are only hurting yourself, and by facing your partner and telling them that you have had enough, you are not only freeing yourself - you're taking your fate into your own hands and changing your status from "victim" to "survivor."













For more:
♥When the Prince Isn't Charming at Her Curious Elegance♥♥Love and Stockholm Syndrome♥

 

I'm not going to lie- blogging is not easy. Sure, some people have a knack for it, like anything, but for most of us, it's practically a full-time job. There's a lot more to it than just typing up an article, though of course that's largely the most important. However, any good blogger needs to have an arsenal of other skills that they're constantly honing for their blog, such as planning, marketing, keeping deadlines, sometimes graphic design, as well as people skills and a whole barrel of other traits. So why would anyone bother? In my opinion, anyone would benefit from writing a blog, but lolitas specifically. Here are just a few reasons why, as a lolita, you should consider making the leap into Loli Blogger:

1. Catalog your lolita experience. This is the best part of blogging, for me. When I went through my older articles recently, I remembered things that had once seemed such an intrinsic part of lolita but had since slipped by the wayside. It's the same with outfit photos - it's so interesting to look back and pictures from my sweet lolita days and realize how much my style has changed, even if my wardrobe hasn't necessarily!
2. Build up a knowledge base for newer lolis. This is such an amazing way to pay it forward. When we first started out, all of us needed inspiration and knowledge and even just someone to keep us updated on current events. I'm currently looking for new ways to write for both seasoned lolitas and newbies- Back in MY day, blogging was nowhere near as big as it is today, so it would make me really happy to give new girls the resource I was looking for when I first started.
3. Create an identity. This may not be the biggest selling point for some girls, but I feel like those lolitas who really break the mold (brolis, or highly pierced lolitas, or those with tattoos) do such a wonderful service by having their own blog. The lolita community tends to be so monotone that any break from the norm can be a welcome relief. It's also so interesting to me to see how something we think is so in-the-box can be interpreted in such creative ways by other people. Sure, that's what websites like daily_lolita are for, but I feel like blogging does a much better job of getting rid of anonymity and creating a recognizable identity within the lolita sphere.
4. Make friends! This is such a huge reason for me! I've met so many lovely people through my blog and other peoples'. Any time I get a new follower, I click on their profile and check out their blog if they have one- yes, every time! I always get so sad if they don't have one, because I love discovering new blogs and bloggers all the time.
5. Give back to the community. I've been alluding to this one throughout this post, and that's because it's probably the top reason I think lolitas should start blogging. From the first millisecond we find interest in lolita, we begin compiling a mental database of all the knowledge we will need throughout our careers as lolitas, a database which is hopefully always expanding. This information is also filtered through our own experiences, so even though everyone knows that the hime cut is a classic lolita hairstyle, you can still create an interesting article based on your own experiences with a topic usually considered so common-place, and to me, that's the true joy of both reading and writing lolita blogs.

Have you ever had one of those moments where you're just completely brought down by something? Maybe you were having an excellent day, and then you spilled hot chocolate on your new coat, or you were caught in a sudden downpour with no umbrella and your favorite print was ruined. Even something so simple as being caught without sunscreen on a trip to the beach can just put a total damper on your day- or week, or month (as you suffer with that sunburn or that chocolate stain!). So what can you do to fight it?

1. Buy yourself flowers that match your outfit
2. Have one piece that you absolutely adore, no matter how it fits or looks on you. Maybe it's a dress, or skirt, or headbow, or whatever, but it just makes you feel so amazing to wear it.
3. Buy a box of expensive truffles and a bottle of cheap white wine (/sparkling cider) and take a bubble bath.
4. Surround yourself with people who love you and who will do anything in their power to keep you out of the dumps. You know-the gal pals you can call up any day to make a sucky evening alone into a night of chick flicks or horror movies.
5. Find your "sick food." I have a certain brand of chewy chocolate chip cookies that I always buy when I'm feeling cruddy. I got a really awful cold a few years ago, and all I could drag my frilly rear out of bed for was Dimetapp, cinnamon tea with honey, and this huge bucket of cookies I got from the local supermarket. Now, whenever I'm ill or just feeling less-than-fantastic, those cookies are what I crave, and they always make me feel better about life.
6. Alternatively, learn a recipe for a baked good that you can share with people you love. Giving to others really is a fantastic mood-lifter.
7. Make yourself an "I Rock" folder on your computer. An idea I stole from my favorite business blog for crafty entrepreneurs, this is a folder on your computer that compiles all your best attributes: if I had one, it would be filled with pictures of my favorite coordinates, snapshots from outings with friends, articles that I was really proud of, and photos of my favorite creations for Amaranth Opulent. Maybe if you're an artist you could include your favorite pieces, or your favorite designs if you're a seamstress- whatever it is you do best, put it all into one place to remind yourself how much you rock.
8. Keep room in your budget for a bit of retail therapy every so often. This weekend I bought myself a cute little schedule book from Kinokuniya- it's light blue with a cute pattern on it, lots of space to jot down notes, and even a map of the Tokyo subway system, which I'm certain will prove indispensable this March!
9. Cull the unnecessary. You know what that means to you- the friend who only ever brings you down with her gossip, the slacker boyfriend, your own attempts to live up to others' expectations, or even the clothes you never wear from your wardrobe. Whatever it is that's cluttering up your mind, remove it from your life. Trust me, you'll feel so much freer after.
10. Be spontaneous. Surprise yourself. Do something on a whim that you never thought you would do. I've told the story of my tattoo a few times on here, but it dears repeating because it's the one thing I've done in my life to permanently alter it, and I couldn't be happier.

I've often said that lolita fashion should be for everyone. I feel that all girls have a princess inside of them waiting to be released, just as we all have Joan of Arcs waiting for something to fight for and Juliets confronted with something worth dying for. Like many lolitas, sometimes when I'm bored in class I sit and imagine dressing up my classmates in frills and petticoats and tiaras, just so they can feel it for themselves once. I'm one of those girls who was elated when brands started making larger sizes, not just for my own purposes, but because it makes this amazing aesthetic so much more accessible to the people who, arguably, may need it most. After graduating high school, I discovered that some of my friends in the class under me were buying their first frills, and instead of feeling replaced or getting hot-headed about having done it first, all I could be was happy to have played any part in introducing lolita to these girls' lives, no matter how small. In conclusion, I'm not one to get territorial over lolita. It's not mine, I don't own it, and therefore I feel no need to keep it all to myself. And anyway, it's kind of silly to try and keep your clothing style to yourself- everyone within a quarter-mile is going to notice a huge, walking cupcake!

But sometimes I feel kind of alone in this. Everyone knows about the cattiness of lolitas, the stereotype that "lolitas are bitches" - I must be mostly meeting the exception to that rule, because a large amount of my lolita friends are even sweeter than I am (though admitted that's not saying much!) It's always seemed to me that lolitas are so harsh on newcomers almost as a form of hazing: if you can prove you can take the heat, you're worth your frills, but if you get offended or hurt, your name will be splattered across the front page of Get Off EGL and maliciously passive-aggressive Secrets will be posted about you. Now, I don't use either of these communities, and I've heard that they're getting much more docile, so maybe this is one of those "Back in MY day..." things; if so, then just assume I am speaking only of the past, commenting on the actions of girls who've grown up or quit the fashion. However, it has always seemed to me that this was almost a way that a newcomer proved she deserved the status of a "lolita;" she was allowed to call herself a lolita only if she could take the ugliness of this fashion as well as the beauty. That's honestly a very poignant sentiment, but what about those girls who can't? They, this argument would have to state, do not deserve any of our beauty. They need to remove their rose-tinted glasses and go back to the grayness of modern life.

Now that doesn't jive with this princess. I'm of this crazy opinion that beauty is beauty, and that it belongs to the whole world, no matter your size or age or ethnicity or religion. That being said, even I get possessive of my lifestyle sometimes. This is my conundrum: I don't think any hopeful should have to pass through some kind of flaming hoop to be considered a follower of this fashion, but on the other hand, one can't just drop everything one day and simply decide to be a lolita. There are even times when I see someone in lolita and I get physically angry; she doesn't deserve this, she doesn't appreciate the beauty she's trying so vainly to emulate. That's the hardest for me, personally; I try my hardest to be non-judgmental in every aspect of my life, especially topics which already garner such hostility as lolita. If I do find myself judging other people, I tell myself that everyone gets exactly what they deserve in life, and if that's a nicer dress or better job than me, so be it. It's normal for people to be jealous or judgmental or territorial over things they love; however, that doesn't mean that these feelings should be indulged, nor does indulging it answer the bigger question.

That question is: why? What good does it do the individual or the group to be so insular? Of course, I'm not saying that people make a conscious effort to be territorial- mostly it's an instinctual way for us to protect what's important to us, and it's not lolita-specific, either. How many times you heard of so-and-so being called a poser because they don't perfectly submit to a certain stereotype? Those who willingly fall under that label make a point to exclude those who don't. Maybe this action is a testament to how much they've given up, e.g. a normal lifestyle, to earn the title of "freak," and anyone who hasn't given that up just doesn't deserve whatever title they're striving for. However, in lolita, while lifestyle-ism is rampant and wholly encouraged (especially by me!), usually, no matter how far into the depths you get, most lolitas do have a non-loli side to them, whether that's the clothes they wear to work or the way they act around their friends. I'm not saying this is bad- quite the contrary! I think it's great- all lolitas have many sides of themselves, just like all people do, so why not express them?

It also means that we're a little more immune to this idea of absolutism: "you're not doing it right" rarely becomes "you're not doing it enough," so while we're definitely more hasty to get territorial than your average Joe, the followers of other subcultures have been known to be even moreso (I'm thinking old school punk or goth here, simply because that's the only other subculture I've ever found myself involved with). Is this to do with the mainstream-ing of lolita fashion? Maybe. Once we're as household of a name as punk, when "cosplay lolita" becomes as common a fashion insult as "mall goth," I wouldn't be surprised if we started getting just as up-in-arms over purism as our alternative fashion predecessors. For now, however, it is important for us to remember that, while territoriality has its place (and I'm not saying we should be all open-arms-y to people who won't understand or appreciate this fashion), but if push comes to shove, I'm certain that she can protect herself just fine without us playing overbearing mothers. Besides- it's not like any of us own this fashion.

Lolita is famous for iconicity: there are so many characters, prints, and styles that become inseparable from the masses' opinion of "lolita". There are always haters, of course, but the only real impact they have on the general opinion is to get annoyed by it- no matter what anyone says, if the lolita population has declared something iconic, it's here to stay.

I was recently reading an article by fellow lolita blogger Raegan about how, despite the fact that so many people call Alice (Of Wonderland fame) their lolita inspiration, she herself considers Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz to be the ultimate lolita character. Now, I know that Raegan wasn't eschewing Alice or those who love her, but it occurred to me that many people chose "camps" when it comes to lolita idols: Misako to the left, Mana to the right, and so on. I find this interesting: while reading the aforementioned article, I realized that these two particular pop culture heroines particularly have much more in common than most realize at first glance

Think about it: A spunky, curious young girl finds herself, entirely by accident, in a completely upside-down world. After a brief scene of falling through a confusing landscape that seems entirely influenced by various narcotics, she is immediately set on a journey that tests all of her might and drive to return home. She is helped by various creatures of a curious nature, unlike any she has ever met, and learns that even in this magical land, not everyone is a good guy. Eventually, through her own wit and pluck, she finds herself waking up and realizing that it was all a dream.

Who was I just describing? Was it Alice, or Dorothy? You tell me, because at this point, I don't even know! One can even look at their appearances. In the original Tenniel illustrations, Alice is drawn with brown, wavy hair. In the Disney version, she wears a blue dress with white accents and an iconic hair bow, though she's now blonde. Brown, wavy hair, or blue and white clothing? Either way, the parallels to Dorothy can definitely be established.

And their stories: Dorothy's method of transportation is a tornado, while Alice's is a tumble down the rabbit hole. Both are confronted during these scenes with the things in their own lives that confused them (Alice with concepts of latitude vs. longitude and thus the book-learning of grown ups, Dorothy with images of her horrid, witch-like neighbor). They both find themselves in a very odd landscape that bears similarities to their own, though still distinctly different. They are confronted with characters both to help (Dorothy's Scarecrow, Tin Man, and Lion to Alice's Cheshire Cat) and hinder them (The Wicked Witch of the West compared to the Queen of Hearts, both female characters in a position of power which they wantonly abuse) on their journey, which is winding and twisting and sometimes puts them in situations that are very, very uncomfortable and dangerous (The apple orchard and dark forest of OZ, and basically the entirety of Wonderland). Eventually, after a confrontation with authority, they both learn that they both had the power to go home all along: All they had to do was wake up. After doing so, they return to their lives with a new sense of confidence and maturity. The books themselves also have undertones that the young female characters have no way of picking up on: Carroll might have been writing his story under a drugged haze of pedophilic lust, and Baum's The Wonderful Wizard of Oz was seen as a political commentary on a Victorian society that he disapproved of.

Of course, these aren't the only characters that lolitas identify with; the character one calls a fashion inspiration is very personal and may not, in fact, have anything really to do with fashion. However, if you look at some other common characters (Disney's Belle, for example, someone I personally identify with strongly), you will see definite parallels: almost all of them face some kind of confusing or terrifying situation that tests their abilities, from which they gracefully rise after using mainly their wit and perseverance to fight the bad guys, taking a valuable lesson about morality and the importance of trusting in themselves. I think that's why some lolitas need icons so much- it isn't a question of needing someone to turn to for fashion inspiration (though that helps); it's someone to remind them that there are others who have suffered at the hands of the "bad guys," the evils of their own society, and, instead of simply accepting their circumstances, fought for the life that they knew was best for them. Now, to the common person, these fairytales may seem a little odd to identify with. However, when you're walking down the street being catcalled or pointed at or laughed at, sometimes it helps to know that you're not the only one who's had to face the aggression of people around you, and it can be encouraging to remember that not only did these girls beat the baddies, but after all the fighting was over, they found their way home, knowing that they had proven their worth and their right to the life they fought for.

Wow, does anyone even remember Literary Lolita? I haven't done one of these pieces since probably last fall semester. I just haven't been mentally stimulated by my literature classes as of late- last year it was Shakespeare and Drama As Literature, and I find that it's usually transcendentalism, modernism, and Romanticism that inspire me. These writers put such an emphasis on looking inside yourself and creating from that self-awareness a "you" that is truly the best possible, which seems to me a very poignant idea for a lolita. However, inspiration is such a fickle mistress- she'll catch you anywhere, even in the middle of research. I'm doing an oral report on the French poet Baudelaire for my World Literature course, and while sifting through online biographies, a snippet caught my eye and really struck me:

In his own time Baudelaire was largely ignored. With Stéphane Mallarmé and Paul Verlaine he formed the so-called Decadents. Baudelaire argued in LE PEINTRE DE LA VIE MODERNE (1863, The Painter of Modern Life) in favor of artificiality, stating that vice is natural in that it is selfish, while virtue is artificial because we must restrain our natural impulses in order to be good. The snobbish aesthete, the dandy, was for Baudelaire the ultimate hero and the best proof of an absolutely purposeless existence: he is a gentleman who never becomes vulgar and always preserves the cool smile of the stoic.

"There can be no progress (real, that is, moral) except in the individual and by the individual himself." (from Mon Coeur Mis À Nu, 1897)

Artificiality. The dandy: a figure of leasure and expense, cold and selfish but destined to be the life of the party (especially if he's paying). Someone who hides his boorishness and human imperfection behind the immaculateness of his appearance. Sound familiar? I've heard gyaru say that they only feel comfortable with themselves when they're completely artificial, when they're completely hidden behind a paper-mâché mask they've created as a substitute for themselves and slabbed on like cement. I don't think lolitas are far from this mentality, either; sometimes I feel like, when I wear lolita, I'm leaving the cracked, broken version of myself behind for a few hours to become a purer, prettier, more whole me. I can ignore all of my problems - sometimes selfishly - just as long as I can pretend to be this princess, this Victorian lady, this woodland maiden. We take comfort in this illusion we create, this facade of perfection and innocence and purity. I lost my purity a long time ago, as did everyone; is this why we seek comfort in our frills and bows?

"He is a gentleman who never becomes vulgar and always preserves the cool smile of the stoic."

At the same time, how many of us have been to a meet-up and seen, you know, that girl. The one who smiles sweetly to everyone, never has a negative word to say, won't swear, blushes at the mention of indiscretions- the "perfect lolita." Everyone present rolls their eyes. It's frowned upon for a girl to act like the doll she looks like. We put on our petticoats and knee socks and scream at the top of our lungs that it's not sexual, and yet, if the sex joke comes up and anyone doesn't laugh, she's immediately ostracized. She's such a prude. She doesn't know how to have fun. She's being enslaved by this outfit she has put on, and everyone else knows it and hates her for it. See if she's invited back next time.

Some would say, it's because she's letting the clothes control her. It's because she's only acting that way because she feels like she has to, not because it's really her. Who wants to hang out with someone who's playing a part the whole time? And yet, this is coming from the other guests of the masquerade- her mask just isn't the right one. Everyone else is in pink, and she's in blue. Everyone else is wearing rhinestones, and she's wearing pearls. But, intrinsically, is she different? No, of course not. Perhaps these "other girls" are just not the same as her; they're drawn to the fashion because it's pretty, or cute, or different, or just because it feels right, but for the most part they're normal girls. They assume that the mindset of a lifestyle lolita must come to one after she has discovered the fashion, that she must be painting not only her face but her mind with the glitter and pastels of lolita purity, simply because they can't imagine anyone would be that way by nature. And maybe they're right, and there are plenty of girls who do that. However, it is also possible that nature came before nurture, and that a girl who has always felt out-of-place in modern society with its mini-skirts and stripper heels and boob jobs may have finally found a clothing style that suits the maiden inside her. Of course, she would feel no need to change who she is when she dons her dresses; her purity of language and discomfort at certain subjects would not disappear. However, because she is such a rare breed, she is ridiculed, told that she is allowing clothing to control her life. She knows the opposite is true, but how can she convince others without sounding vapid and false? There are no words to say that her mind affects the clothes, the clothes don't affect her mind, without sounding like she's making excuses or justifying herself. So what does she do? She either withdraws from this community or changes herself completely, forces herself to laugh at jokes that make her uncomfortable, or sits silently at meet-ups and tries to be as unassuming as possible, maybe blending in with the carpet or the wallpaper. Clearly one can see the better option.

I'm not this girl. I'm just as raucous as the next person when I want to be, and I love philosophical discussions about sexual positions just as much as I love discussing Romanticism and Baudelaire. However, my interest in exploring the human psyche and "getting into" the minds of people lends itself well to the role of Devil's Advocate. I never approve of pressuring people into being something different than they truly are, just as I will never tell anyone that they should assimilate in ways they're uncomfortable with just to belong to a group. Some animals need a herd to belong to, and humans are, oftentimes, pack animals in this way. Lolita fashion itself has, in its followers, a hugely dependent hive mind in which people need to feel that they're accepted in the scene; this is also practical, of course, because riding the subway with a group is a lot safer than riding it alone when you're already attracting unwanted attention. But, beside the obvious reasons, is belonging to a group necessary?

The answer is a resounding no. To the princess: You are different because you are special. Stand firm. Be true to yourself. Listen to your heart. If you feel incomplete without a community, if you need the mental stimulation of discussing our philosophy and exchanging fashion tips, it may be worth it to indulge in the occasional meet-up. But remember that no matter who you're with, you're still yourself. Be proud to be different... or be the same as everyone else.

extra:
The Lone Lolita ~ F*** Yeah Lolita

I'm of the opinion that a certain amount of competition is a good thing. Putting children on sports teams allows them to learn how to work with others, the importance of hard work, and the satisfaction of well-deserved victory. Certain schools publicize the rank of their students in order to inspire the lower-ranking students to do better. In the workplace, a bit of competition for raises or promotions is healthy and means that those who get these statuses also gain the respect of those with whom they were competing. While I'm not one for pitting people against each other, I do believe that there are certain times and places in our society where it can be healthy and result in more good than harm.

However, there are some instances when I find competition exceedingly heinous, and one of those is in the world of alternative fashion. I've noticed that groups who have reject social norms and rules seem to instill their own, and instead of encouraging them to be broken, flexed, or experimented with, they're instead defended more staunchly than those of the society they so eschew. Why is this? Maybe it is because, after being raised in a society in which rules and competition are so important, it isn't as easy as we may think to abandon such practices, despite how we may want to.

Of course, when there are rules, there is always going to be those who "do it right" and those who "do it wrong." And of course, within a society, whenever there is someone whom the group is labeling as right or even "perfect" (it's not rare that a lolita be called the "perfect lolita"), there will probably always be as many people patting them on the back as there are people fuming about the attention they are receiving. However, what about the other end of the glittery, pastel rainbow? What about those girls who are not lolita enough, not gyaru enough, not rockabilly enough? What about those alternative society members who are just not alternative enough?

Anyone who follows alternative fashion and lifestyle knows that, just like their mainstream bretheren, trends come and go. As a youth, I remember when seeing someone with a facial piercing was rare, and tattoos or a full head of dyed hair even moreso. Now, since alternative fashion is becoming more common and less alternative, with more pieces of the subculture being accepted into maintsream life - good luck going to a shopping mall and seeing no teenage or college-age girls with their noses pierced or their lower backs tattooed - the alternative must become moreso. The freaky must get freakier. When you can walk into your school's cafeteria and see an employee clipping her pink-streaked bangs out of her hair, that's when you know your aesthetic is becoming more and more vanilla. So what do you do?

I've noticed that most people lash out. Most people will become more extreme: gauges stretching their ears to sizes that will never be shrunk completely; shaving thier heads and dying the buzzed fuzz neon yellow; every bit of exposed skin covered in tattoos, including the face. These people always make me chuckle a little inside. Yes, it is entirely possible that these aesthetics have been hiding under the surface in these individuals, waiting for society to catch up with them so that they could embody their idea of beauty without being burned at the stake for it. Also, of course, some people do just have an innate desire to be different due to an alienated dissatisfaction with modern man. And I will never be one to hate on anyone who tests society's limits and pushes the envelope with every fiber of their being.

But alternative, one must remember, may not imply a relationship with society. An alternative lifestyle could just be personal; a mental one-eighty of an individual's core thoughts and aesthetics. I don't consider my red and blue hair to be extreme, but I do consider it a statement. Having my hair the way it is and wearing lolita is, to me, a delicious idiosyncracy. My roommate, an international student from Beijing, remarked one day on the fact that I liked such old-fashioned, "classic" clothing and yet my hair was so "new;" I told her I find it funny. I love the contrast of ruffles and petticoats with my new-fangled beauty: my tattoo, my piercings, my hair. It makes me happy, it amuses me, and more importantly, it speaks to my soul: my clothing is a celebration of the past, my body is a hopeful prayer for a more accepting future. I hope for a future in which nothing is alternative, nothing is strange or frowned upon. In this way, I am channeling my alternative aesthetics, my alternative lifestyle. I do not look like other people, but at the same time, I am not the same I was two years ago. My creativity was shunned and stamped down upon by my job, my family, and my now-ex-boyfriend, who couldn't bear the idea of loving a woman who wasn't "normal," despite his long black hair and metal music. The difference? He fit his stereotype: therefore, I had to fit mine, too.

Note the wording: his stereotype. I've known metal guys like him, who pierce their ears and listen to men scream for hours on end. I've known "hippies," hair dreadlocked, body unshaven, who share their joints with me and tell me about the universe. I've known lolitas with the tragic pasts of fairytales; acute illness, the death of beloved family members, ghosts in their mirrors, who use the beauty of their clothing to escape to a more innocent childhood they've never actually known. I've known should-be pin-up rockabilly girls with their pin curls and cat eyes and their dreams of muscle cars. Name an alternative stereotype, and I've probably known them. And I've loved them all. I find no problem with stereotypes, but that is what they are: stereotypes. I don't fit their stereotypes. My body is too hairless to be a hippie, yet I will discuss the beauty and love and joy of the universe with the best of them over the best of their stash. And then I am too impure for lolita, hungover and lustful, yet the only time I feel complete is donning my layers of petticoats and sipping tea in a pastel tearoom. There are similarities and there are differences, but the differences are more staggering to followers of these fashions than our similarities. I tend to keep their extent secret; if they knew half the truths about me, they'd tell me I didn't belong.

And why? In my search for the life that is right for me, I have stumbled into an alternative lifestyle. Yet, despite doing only what makes me happy, I'm told time and again, even by those who are closest to me, that I'm "doing it wrong." I'm alternative, but I'm not alternative enough. I'm different, but not different enough. I'm... me, but not me enough? Of course this is idiocy. Alernative is as alternative does, and in my opinion, it is not society's version of normal that this label should be testing but our own. I strive only to find myself, the version of me that is most personally satsifying. The life I chose to lead because of this is what many label "alternative" because it is not the hive-minded life of those who never stray from their course, who never pause to question if that pot they are smoking, that book of poetry they are reading, that latte they're drinking, is personally fulfilling to them. To me, it is not one's appearance or even, to an extent, their lifestyle choices that makes him or her an alternative individual but that idea of never slowing, never stopping, always fighting, always questioning, never accepting life as they know it. The moment you stop questioning is the moment you assimilate.

I was inspired to think about this when a friend scoffed at me for saying I consider dying one's hair "alternative;" a "body modification." I couldn't explain to her that alternative is personal, a personal quest undertaken by those who are fundamentally different from others to express this difference in a way that is personally satisfying to them. Being different shouldn't be a race to do different things first or before everyone else has thought of it or before fashion magazines have told the general populace to do it, like, it, smoke it, wear it. An alternative lifestyle is a journey to leave the bland, gray, unsatisfying daily grind behind and to live the life that you want to live, no matter what any society tells you, be it the New York Times, the Village Voice, or the egl community on livejournal. If you don't like what you're being told, turn the music up in those headphones. If no one is listening, no one will talk. For a better future, shut them out and shut them up.