I'm walking the curtain call, taking a bow, and exiting stage right.
It's time for me to say goodbye to lolita.
Can you really leave behind a fashion, a lifestyle, a movement that's been a part of your identity for seven years? No, probably not. At this point in my life, lolita is part of my psyche, and it's there to stay. It's part of how I evaluate the world, part of the literature and history I enjoy studying, part of the hobbies I've adopted. I may be leaving the fashion, but I doubt I'll be able to stop being a lolita completely. I've sewn frills onto the hem of my heart.
That said, there comes a time in everyone's life when they have to reevaluate. I'm going to be entering an entirely new phase in my life over the next year. I'm going to be, fingers crossed, graduating with my Bachelor's, moving to the big city, and working towards a career in writing. I'll have less time to devote to hobbies and fripperies and silliness, and much, much more need for any money I can get. Having hundreds of dollars sitting in my closet but not really being used seems childish at best and flat-out irresponsible at worst. No, I won't be selling all of it, but I'll be selling most; anything that doesn't have deeply-rooted memories connected to it will be gone.
And even some that do. Because that's something else, something that not many people know about me: I cling. I have strong ties left over to so many people and things that I shouldn't care about, people who've long since stopped caring about me whom I just can't seem to get over, and I'm sick of trying to figure out which meet-ups they're going to be at so I can avoid them, and I hate seeing memories of them hanging in my closet. I still have one of the dresses my ex bought me, and I tell myself I still have it because it's beautiful, which it is, and I'll wear it someday, which I might. But in the end, there are so many aspects of lolita that sting for so many different reasons, and I just can't have those in my life anymore.
There are so many people who've come and gone in my life because of lolita. Some of them I think about and feel the warmth of happy memories like the exhilaration of new life; some make me feel like my blood is running needles through my veins; mostly, it's a mixture of both. I cherish the growth they've prompted in me, and treasure the things I've learned from them, but in the end, I'd really like to stop being reminded of them every time I open my closet.
Why am I saying all of this? I don't know. I guess because in the end I feel like, while this blog has seen my blood, sweat, and tears, occasionally literally, I still don't feel like it has much of my soul in it. I figure I may as well go out with a bang instead of a whimper.
Though, like I've already said, I know that I can't leave blogging behind. Years ago I set up another blog, more of a journal than this, more personal, and never posted anything in it. I'm trying, tentatively, to publish things which are actually part of me, something like a writing journal, and the feeling is the same as stepping out onto a frozen river: the fear of cracking and crashing through into the freezing current is only abated momentarily by the thrill of doing something new, something different, something which could end horribly- oh, but what if it doesn't?
I am grateful every day which passes for those who have read and followed this blog - for years as well as those of you who've only read an article or two - and all of the amazing people I've met and friends I've made through writing here, as well as through lolita fashion in general. I wish I could tell you all individually how much I appreciate and value your views, comments, and support. To all those who have supported me, I honestly and truly thank you and appreciate you more than I know how to say. And to those who haven't... well, I've never had time for you, anyway, and I doubt that'll change any time soon.
I wrote this post a year ago or more. I keep going back and revising and adding more because I just can't bear to be done with it yet, but I suppose this is where I should leave off. Please know that, even if I'm not blogging anymore, my e-mail address in the sidebar is still active, so if you ever, ever, ever have anything you need to talk about or ask someone, I beg you not to hesitate to reach out to me. I've always been here for my readers, and that will never, ever change. You're all beautiful and amazing, and thank you so much for sticking by me for so long.
Love you all,
Miss Lumpy Aly Buttons
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